____________['[*Moments Sharing*]']___________

5th May 2008 Mon 3.50pm

Hi My blog,

Seems like I have deserted you for a very long time.. About 1 yr ago? Felt very bad about tat.. Well its not that I wanna neglect about you.. Jus that this 1 yr, many things have happened to me.. I wanna pen all my feelings down, but apparently, I find it hard to do so.. Feel like I have the heart to do it, but jus dun have any strengths to blog them down.. Partly oso becuz the person involved in my life, sad memories, (happy memories turn out to be sad as well) finds it hard for me to place them down.. Cuz there's ntg joyous for me to blog anyway... But since now i'm back to my loner life, here I come blogging again..

However, I'm not gg to pen down in details wat I actually been thru, anyway such memories are ntg proud to show off..How nasty a person can turn out to be, is jus like a nitemare for me..Each time you wake up, thinking of such a thing, is as though u have been thru stg terrifying in my life... I'm indeed a fool , to have been fooled out 3 times by the same person.. Well can't imagine rite? Once bitten twice shy, n yet, I can't actually repeat the same mistake and let myself got hurt.. Those pair of eyes and words,which I last saw in tat person's eyes, tells me tat I deserved it, for being a fool..

I shouldn't have trust any1 but myself..seems like 2yrs plus of r/s with my ex, didn;t managed to make me learnt a lesson tat 1 shld only trust myself.. believe in my own eyes, in my own heart.. use my eys to c, my heart to feel... This person turns out to be the worst I have ever met, yet managed to soften my heart to such an extent tat no 1 else have ever hit.. looks r real deceiving instead.. Whoever is wearing a mask, who's not, its really hard to tell.. human beings are indeed very vast species that I have encountered thruout my 20+ of my life and yet u can't classify each individual into several categories..every1 is unique n different..some r nice, some r nasty...

This 1 yr + of my life seems like a mess to me.. so unclear, complicated, confused... my balance was totally tilted to both ends.. how stressful and unhappy I really were..I actually fall inside and get involved in 2 person's tragedy.. Y must the person be me? I feel so malign.. I didn;t do anything wrong and I just got such a kind of ending.. Do I really deserve such a kind of injustice for things which I didn;t do anything wrong? My meet up to this person, to me was jus a fate..

I did not intentionally entered any arena n intentionally causing disturbance and spoiling other ppl's life.. end up everything was jus being turned the table round and i'm the 1 being shoot.. This guy just simply accsue me of causing disturbance over his own unsecured affairs of his, which already happened twice b4 me.. Its not as if i'm the 1 who purposely comes in to cuz havoc..I have even read the letter he wrote to this person,how bad n evil I'm... this letter wounded me a lot.. and I even kept it till now.. all those memories I have.. r all fresh and secured.. This person destroyed everything, all the memories and evidences of my presence, yet to me its all fresh in my mind.. Emails, sms, pics, etc etc etc.. r what is haunting me a lot now..

I know i'm not as gd as writing beautiful stories and letters like that guy.. I really can't write anythign now, but jus blogging my messy feelings out.. dun even know what i'm writing abt either.. This person (SLSL) – sl2, really got such a capability that everything she does, she manages to turn the table ard and I don't have anything to voice out.. Seems like giving hot cold treatment, and confusion really helps a lot.. being nice to the person at times, gives ppl the opportunity to treat the person badly so tat when the person starts to voice out, she can jus simply say dun accuse me of this n tat.. and end up i'm the 1 who seems to be at the fault..

Whats the definition of swit-talkings? Isn't it jus saying swit words to a person's ears but dun have to follow on wif their actions? They r jus like words said as though its empty promises..any1 can say many nice words, but those words that dun mean it, are simply swit talkings.. “I love you like I nid oxygen.” Such a word, oxygen implying you can;t live..its so strong and nice to hear tat but when It comes to action, am I really like the oxygen? It seems like a joke now.. “guys n gers r different. Guys can ML wifout love, but gers can't. Gers nid to love tat person then they can ML” Is tat true? According to what I have been thru, apparently this doesn't turns out to be true either..There are still a lot more of such a kind of swit talkings which I have heard but I dun wish to blog out..

Wat's more, if i'm really so capable, sl2 shouldn't be looking out on me in the beginning.. I'm already a poor student when we 1st met.. not as though it sthe 1st day we met each other.. There's only 1 reason to love a person, but when u wanna ditch a person, all these factors and excuses start coming out from the mouth.. as though its the 1st day we met and start to say u r not gd in this not gd in tat.. and when I said tat rite from the start she didn't say, only now then say, the excuse given was, at that time she didn't think so much..

hmm what's the characteristics of a fling then? r/s wif no commitment, swit talkings said out which doesn;t mean anything.. 2 ppl tog jus enjoy each other's company so tat when its time to part, its time to go.. Hmm doesn;t all these sounds like a fling? End up all she said was, turning the table ard tat I accused her as she didn;t treat me as a fling.. What abt the humiliations and pains I have undergone thru?? Those H, K, FH, I etc? All these doesn't even looks more like a fling? All these doesn't even mean a thing?

And upon all these, all simply becuz i'm too young, no faith in me as I might fall for another a person (look upon ur ownself b4 u start accusing me of the things which I did not do), i'm not stable, i'm too demanding, i'm too etc, etc, etc.. expecting lots of things from her.. All I can say is, b4 I expect anything or say stg, look upon ur ownself 1st b4 u speak.. after been thru all these, my heart has been so insecure and unstable.. of cuz when such an unsettled mind I have, there are bound to have certain aspects which i'll look on in the future, depending on the root cuz.. but end up, instead of being understanding, she still can make lots of expectations asking me whether i'm able to fulfill them or not.. What sort of love is tis?

If I have to wait until I really become stable, do you think tat such a ger loves me truly or jus after my stabililty? Such a thing have to ponder.. end up I was being accuse of self-centered, as who's the real self-centered person? I dun have to waste time arguing wif such a person as deep inside my heart who's rite, who's wrong its all clear..

1st fool I am, is the time where I naively thinks tat he is coming back from italy earlier than expected..I was even curious y i'm the only 1 cherishing the remaining days left, as when tat day arrived, i'm sending her back and let her decide for herself.. being fair to every1.. To think unitl the very last day, then only I discover the plans made so long ago, of her gg italy, instead of him coming back to sg.. And to think how we spent the very last day? Those FH really doesn't mean anything at all? Its the worst movie I've ever watch wif her.. I still rmb 10, 000BC.. the 1st movie we ever sit so far apart from the cpl seat..

The trip took her 3weeks.. Hmm.. a week later suring the trip, an sms comes.. This period was the worst in my life.. I won;t 4get it starts 5th of march 2008.. I hesitate in replying.. I was so hurt n angry..wanting to reply n scold her.. but told myself not to.. end up after a day, I replied.. until the last day of the trip on a sun, 3 weeks from 5th mar, she sms me again on her flight back to sg.. I hesitated and ended up mit her..2nd fool I am.. come back n told me how much she misses me etc.. does she really miss me so much like I miss her?

I dun think so.. Where is she when I nid her badly?she left me alone.. happily enjoying the life, but will only think of me at times, i'm a fool to believe her words.. what sort of things they does over there, they noe it best.. end up soften by her, I was fooled by a week, as she came back a week earlier than him.. the 1st day was so swit, but I discovered something, i'm not a fool as i'm always able to discover things which I shouldn't noe.. Even such a thing, I have gave her many chances.. 4give her.. end up, the chgs is so quickly..

everything is broken up on tat sun, he arrived to sg from italy.. lasted almost 2-3 weeks, sl2 still send me email, and even went to lan shop to find me.. a 3rd fool I am, to naively believe in her words again.. “I wanna mend you broken heart wif my love, will you be able to gimme a chance?” ended up such a thing, last 4 a week again.. the worst thing is, mon is swit, the nxt day changed immediately.. All those spiritually, mentally and physically, everything doesn;t mean a thing? Once again like the 1st 2 times, after everything has happened, the nxt day is tragedy.. What sort of person is this? This chance i'm giving, end up becomes as though i'm the 1 asking for a chance from her.. i'm under her mercy and everything? Everything can jus easily turn the table ard to shoot me back.. ya at the end of the day, I simply jus deserve it..A fling, a sub deserve such a kind of ending after every thing has taken place and its of not value anymore.

Finds it hard to place all those words into swit talkings like tat guy did.. cuz he hasn;t felt such a kind of treatment b4.. I finds it hard to even pen them down beautifully after such many horrible things happened and it seems so fake if I can still pen them down so beautifully..I dun find it proud to voice out the humiliations I have been thru, creeping like a mouse, facing her frds and family members who knows everything and she even does so many things in front of me.. The most painful things is not the sad memories, but its the happy memories which took place at that point of time, but yet its the most sad memories now.. cuz all these were jus a piece of lies, covered wif fakeness..

bubbles of sadness.