____________['[*Moments Sharing*]']___________

Chinese New Year

Its been almost a week since chinese New year has passed..time flies..I seems to be like rotting thruout the week.. Its the festive season, yet i dun really feel the festive mood at all.. this yr chinese new year, was the worst i ever had? Hmm i dunno..that's life ba.. Well Day 1, early in the morning, wake up n prepare to go to relative's hse in hougang..

Fortunate for us is, we dun have to travel by mrt, then bus in the past.. Dun have to queue long n squeeze into 1 cab..2 of my sis have cars.. my eldest sis actually went to china to look for her husband n daughter, tog wif baby boy.. so this time round, she won't be showing up in Chinese new year.. Well for ur info, now our family branch is as follows..Father, mother, eldest Sis n her husband, tog with her baby daughter n baby boy, then my 2nd sis n her husband, tog wif her 1 month + baby daughter, my brother, then lastly, me...

So after reaching there, as usual, no space, stand...got space, seat..watch tv, listen to voices talking ard.. that's all.. this time, i only visited 2 places.. n i left for hm in my 2nd sis's husband car.. After which, i prepared myself n headed to mit wil.. He's poor thing..cuz his parents quarrel wif relatives, so end up nv go bai nian..the only ang bao he received this yr is from his parents..

So we both went to Serangoon to play mj as usual wif the host.. Oso called Jackson to go, since he's free n nv go bai nian.. Well when u start working money, ang bao, doesn;t seems attractive to u anymore..but to wil, of cuz its still the same.. So we started playing.. Well think we played overnite, all the way till morning.. We played 6 rds max if i'm not wrong.. Its so tiring.. I think, me n host lost to wil n jackson.. They were very lucky indeed..

I lost 35, forget the host lose how much le.. Lucky wil still owe me case of 115, so deduct from there.. Day 2, i reach hm, wash up n slp.. my mum went alone to the relative's hse.. i planned to go, but ended up i reach hm so late..then planned to rest a while,which end up i dozed off.. wat's embarrassing was, i woke up half naked, cuz i forget to wear top clothes when i lie on bed..My relatives reached my hse.. I dun mind exposing if my body figure is gd..

But cuz rite now, i have been slacking.. so figure a bit out of shape..no alps to show.. tat's bad... woke up n saw them playing mahjong.. but of cuz no money... Boring.. entertain them awhile.. play for fun to practice my skills.. haha playing wif them, its easy to win 5 tais.. but no money to claim.. after a while, i'm tired, so i went to use com instead..

In the nite, i mit kia, lau n kim to play cards at kim's hse.. Hmm went there play, kia wan to be the banker for black jack.. since they nv play rotate banker, n i dun have the capital to be the banker as kia, sure will bet 5 - 10 bucks each rd..i scare i dun have enough capital.. so i dun dare to be the banker.. if i'm working, then shouldn't be a prob ba..

So he bank thru out.. n i lost a lot.. lucky last rd, i bet 25 bucks..n was thinking tat, if i lose, i'll have to draw 50 bucks, jusdt nice, from the atm to rtn him.. I won the last rd, which ends up losing yet another 35 bucks like day 1 in mahjong.. Hmm this yr Chinese New year, doesn;t seems smooth... Usually i gamble in CHinese New Year, i always win de.. Most of the time i shld correct myself.. THis time happens to b the opposite..

Day 3 wed.. i went to Cele wif my Sim frds.. Went to boon lay hav lunch wif them, travel to Stuart's hse to play.. End up say play mahjong, but cuz too many ppl, play cards instead.. i was sian..cuz initially i was told mj session, so i turn up.. Thinking last nite lose poker game, they wan play poker again... But ended up i learnt a fun game..Texas poker.. More ppl play the merrier..

However, this game i actually played b4 in my handphone game, previous model nokia 6288.. look forward to play again, if there's a chance.. so we started playing mj.. however the rate was 10-20 cents.. after playing 30-60 divided by 2 for long, its boring to play so low the bet.. as usual, cuz there r few amatuers player ard, the experienced player was alan n me.. I won 19+ bucks, won some rds of 4 n 5 tais.. Alan won 9 bucks i guess..

my luck starts to turn better.. Well, mahjong game i would say, the more experience the player is, the higher the chances of winning.. mahjong game is more on skill, than luck.. of cuz, wif skill n luck in gd tog, money is sure to come in.. Tat's y i think the host at serangoon is always winning money.. My standard of cuz not so high as him la.. cuz he can calculated the probabililty..

However his luck wasn't gd during CnY.. Problem is wif his luck..He didn't fang4 Pao4 to opponent to win, just giving money off most of the time to other players who fang4 Pao4. Think he's frustrated.. cuz ppl anyhow play.. Well, nite time, i mit Nel, cy n xy at doby ghaut to catch a movie. Inkheart.. Its nice..not bad ba..but i would say its average...after watching so many movies, i'm able to rate myself which movie is top, average, or poor..Of cuz, different ppl has got diff taste.. This is very objective..

After tat, go hm.. Kia called he say he got a very accurate info in soccer betting.. 80% will win.. Cuz he's working at a place, which i can;t disclose.. So he got some info from his frds, on the big bosses's betting..So i ask my mum wan to bet or not, since she's into English Premier league betting wif my bro.. So i ask her the italian league de..After convincing her, she bet 70 bucks on it..

The nxt day, the results came out.. lose!!!! Sian.. so unlucky,, bet on the team which lose.. of cuz kia has been following matches closely, but capital not enough on our side.. can;t follow all bets he place.. Kia has been winning money, but i happened to bet on the game which lost.. So 70 bucks gone, which ends up mum nagging me.. Ok to stop her from nagging, i took out 35 bucks n gave her..

Means i have lost again another 35 bucks.. sickening..Day 4.. Go mahjong session wif wil n Hy to serangoon to play wif the host.. Hy 1st time go there.. hmm the game was quite balance..after ard 4 rds of game, the winnings r slighty.. wil didn;t win or lose, only hy, who starting lose a lot, end up losing or 20 bucks..15 to me, 5 bucks to the host.. not bad.. but a bit waste time la haha.. go there play so long, end up so low a difference..

Next comes Fri, i start sending resume again.. Then ben, who happens to be sick for so long in CNY, call me n wil out to play cards wif him at sun plaza.. At 1st, was playing mahjong, but cuz host not free, so can't play.. we play cards.. ben lose to me n wil.. we played from after 4 pm + to almost 9 pm.. I wasted my time, cuz i win only 1 buck after the game..but ben was unlucky.. he lost almost 90 bucks.. wil owe him 43, end up he owe me 30, n wil transfer, from owe me 75 to only owe me 40 bucks i think..can;t rmb..

Then after tat, cuz there's a clash btw the players for mj in the nite.. i planned to call ben to go tog as he wants to go.. but cuz jackson also bringing another frd.. Then he insist tat his frd play cuz long time tat frd nv go n he live very far, so no choice, have to drop ben.. kw come to find us at sun plaza mac, so in return, 9Pm after the cards game, i company him play some games of kof.. Then he lose quite a few rds.. my form was good..but cuz no more tokens to chg,call it a day..

Then i go hm to prepare n headed for serangoon..i dreaded playing overnite nowadays..cuz not only its tiring.. but this lethargic effect will drag for few days until its over.. well but not bad.. i started off in bad form again in mj as always.. but wat they called me disgusting was, i always fight back in the last moment.. i from lose, or neutral, i fight back high in the last rd, n i won 110 chips in the end.. The host was still having bad luck..

he lost 90 bucks, n jackson frd only lose a bit.. i won 55 bucks.. this happens yesterday (Friday Nite Till this morning)But wat's bad was, cuz there's once i brought a not so close frd to play mahjong, he lost 120 bucks to the host.. me n wil were dragged down by him a lot.. cuz he anyhow throw tiles..End up he only transfer 60 to him, n the host has been asking me to chase him for the money..Since he lose to me this morning..he ask me to pass 5 bucks to jackson, while i have to start chasing this person for the 60 bucks instead..sian...

Boring Cny indeed? Hmm well tat's abt it ba.

bubbles of sadness.

*5:41 PM .

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Happy Chinese New Year...

In few hours time, a new year is arriving soon.. Happy? Hmm not really.. I dun look forward to New Year,though its a celebration mood.. Well when i was a children, small ang bao money is wat makes me look forward to.. When i reach the stage of working, the only thing i look forward to, is holiday where i dun have to drag myself to work...When i'm unemployed, rotting at home now, it means ntg to me.. In addition, when my love life is down as well as rest of other things..

Well taking this part of the time, i got no choice, but to recall my ex..So she dun have a family to celebrate wif, except for her 2nd sis's hse for reunion dinner.. when she was wif her 1st ex, she'll follow him to malaysia for Chinese New Year.. Hmm so this year, thing its either staying at home like wat she says, or...Yeah, joining her new bf n his family for reunion dinner..

Well perhaps though she just ditched me not long ago, n be wif her new bf, think might already moving on fast n getting ready to set up a new family le ba.. since both of them r capable of supporting a family tog.. Enough of all these le ba.. no point thinking of such heart breaking stuffs.. Woman.. R just troubles..Makes my hatred grows.. just like Money.. so much i hate money, i need them.. So much i hate woman, i yearn for a true love..

Crap.. gonna c relatives faces again.. ntg interesting to do there.. besides talking, or rather facing those aunty n uncles who's gonna say or reprimand me, about my studies, work, family ties wif my mum.. craps.. Besides, chinese new year is a gambling time for most family..hearing ben, wil, frds, talking about mtg relatives, playing cards, gambling etc.. as for my side, basically, is just like wat my frds said...mtg them for like once a year, saying, hi, how hav u been, how r u etc...got so much to talk like tat...

I just dun have anything to do... ntg to look forward to...

bubbles of sadness.

*9:01 PM .

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Several Incidents

Few days nv blog, so just blog those major incidents that happened.. Well, mtg Kim Seng a day for dinner n some kof games, mtg derek for k box, he companied me for job interview, which ended up buying some products to try..Its slimming products, called herbal life.. Since consider i replace the breakfast n dinner money in exchange for this beverages per meal, which costs cheaper, i decided to bought the product n try it out..

Imagine, 70 bucks which can last u for about 10 days.. each day cost 7 bucks. breakfast n dinner cost 3.50 each.. If i dun eat this, i eat outside food, i'm definitely spend much more, consider the fact i haven't found any jobs..$ keep gg out but nv increase.. Besides, learnt that skipping meal will lead to fatter instead of slimmer.some more its unhealthy..Well actually i already noe it wifout attending this interview which turns out to be a talk..

Well not to say, its a business.. selling such products.. n its mlm related.. sian.. but i'm not gonna bring ppl down to work wif me..Its very bad for friendship.. Well poor derek, i got him into this..so ended up we purchase the products.. but until now, i haven't tried it.. wait till after cny, after those unhealthy food i eat during festive season, b4 i decided to try..

Derek actually heard this herbal life product b4 companying me to this interview.. His frd is taking it wif his wife..Its effective, so no harm trying..losing weight, gain nutrition food into the body..not bad.. Well so those interested, feel free to look for me, i just do it for part time for the time being ba..of cuz i prefer a stable job..so do this better than ntg.. but i'm not gonna find customer..

Those interested just tell me, there's so many ways of contacting me..Tagging my blog, msn,oso can.. Can lose weight, at the same time, help me earn some pocket $ haha. ok anyway enough of this..Life now is just sucks..everyday, sending resume, which few or none reach me, watch anime until feeling sick, bored till death, go mahjong at frds hse..That's all.. Hmm but ok la, few hundred bucks of savings from my last salary, still left wif 300 like tat, after clearing all the necessary bills..Still consider ok le..

Well, but dunno when i can start bringing $ in to my bank account again.. hope to find a gd job soon... Ok enough of this..comes sad news..father's health is deteriorating..today he was admitted to the hospital for body checkup..somethign to do wif his long term medical prob.. the liver.. Tomorrow apart from gg to temple in the afternoon to pray, cuz i until now having go n return tai sui, the hougang visit, the fortune teller, inform me to pray the thousand hand guanyin, until now i haven't pray..so in the morning i shall go hospital to visit my dad 1st..bring him somethings for him..

Then at nite mit ben wif wil b4 gg serangoon.. think that's all ba.. 2009 has come almost a month, my name has changed..but my life, hasn;t even change for the better yet.. nv give up hope.. nv give up finding my true love, nv give up, no matter how bad my love, my life, family, job, everything...Ganbatte Kudasai, Qi Xuan san..

bubbles of sadness.

*11:12 PM .

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Wounds that opened up again..

A woman who used to emerge her world with mine..
bringing me brightness, which ends up into pain,tears n darkness..
till eventually the day she left my world n emerge to other's...
Has she really emerge with my world alone?
Never for once, thru out almost the 2 yrs, do i felt that in our world, there's only the 2 of us...
The presence of other filthy men could always be sensed..
Is the woman i love, or those filthy men be faulted?Its both..yet she pushes the blame to those men, which she keeps allowing them to enter our world...
The blame was shifted upon the heartbroken me, who was hurt so deeply times after times...
Blamed for not doing my part well, and letting other guys entered our world..
Why not to say, its her own lack of self disciplined, self determination to defend our love?
Yet its always the opposite, instead of defending n protecting me, i was attacked n wounded all this while...
I have lost the trust n faith in her..yet my hopes always nv dies..
So much that i yearn for her to gain back my trust, it was nv done...

I dreamt of her last nite... i nv expected that...
Waking up with such an ache in my heart..it was unbearable..
thankful for the music in my handphone, i managed to not think too much..
What a horrible dream...
The places we used to go.. i have a back ache for several days...
there she was, sticking the tiger balm pad on the back for me...
her soft gentle hands...working hard, easing the pains on my back..
We spoked...my heart torned apart...
I asked her about that guy, she speaked as usual, hurting me wif merciless words, which doesn't spare a single tot for the listener's feelings..
i sank deep inside my heart... she lied beside me n i asked her a qn..
which i felt my heart is gonna exploded..its like a time bomb..a similar feelings..
That same guilty look from her expression... she's hiding something from me...
yet eventually, she told the truth...it exploded...
I felt dead again.. each time such an incident happened, i wonder...
How many times i have died?i couldn't count...
Has both our world really merged together?
We used to be so closed as 1..
Is this just a fake?
We never were 1..
We never were 2 ppl in our 'world'..
Then what were we?
Y were there so many filthy men popping out in our world?..
every1 seems so surround her n i was pushed away...
Why do i experience such a dreadful dream..? Why..?

On that fateful nite...our last date..?
I really wish to dash toward her n loosen my sturdy wall..
n cried in her arms, on her laps..
begging her to protect me instead of hurting me...
stop hurting me n love me not wif swit words, but actions...
defend me off from those filthy men...
stop letting them hurt me...
Instead...she joined forces with those filthy men, n hurt me..
Am i dead? i dunno...
I helpless now..i was devoured.. when can i break free?
When will that day be....
When....

bubbles of sadness.

*10:09 AM .

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Not another bad thing again...

I just had another bad day at home early in the morning today...I really dreaded my life... this time is my family again... Life just feel sick to the max...

bubbles of sadness.

*1:26 PM .

Friday, January 16, 2009

Elfen Lied Anime

Well Another anime other than Nodame, has caught my attention.. Its none other than Elfen Lied..Although the anime was short with only 13 episode and 1 special episode, It has ended as 1 of my favourite anime which cause me to finish watching the anime for 1 single day.. Although the story is gruelsome, and a bit of the nudity content, this is not my main attraction to the anime.

Its the love story that's held inside the anime..From times when they were young,a horrible incident which cause the main guy, kouta, to lose his memory..until what it turns out to be today.. This anime, will cuz audience to have different supporters.. Some maybe like the split personality Lucy, also called Nyuu when she as a cuter side..But for me,i like both of her personality..

Lucy turn horrible n nasty, is due to kouta's lie when he was young, which lead to Lucy killing his young sis n father in the train, in front of his eyes, which lead to his lost of memory to forget about the horrible incident.. moral story is, never tell a lied especially to some1 who loves you so dearly.. you never know deeply heartbroken it was when the truth was discovered...

The story was written nicely, that all this link, audience will only start to realise and gather the full picture as each episode goes by...i love the opening song, which actually comes from the musical box music..

bubbles of sadness.

*10:09 AM .

Short messege..

Though you are gone Tootie... Gam Sa Han ni da, for everything.. Bo go si peo..

bubbles of sadness.

*9:54 AM .

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Terrible Back ache..

Sigh..just came back from sch..I had a terrible backache for several days..ever since sat..Sun went to my 2nd sis's baby 1st month at her hse for buffet.. Till date.. my family members still haven't noe abt the break up yet n her got a new bf so fast.. They were still asking, nv ask ur gf to come along? Haha.. How am i suppose to say? My gf had left me for another guy? I wish i can say tat but i just switch topic.. Anyway left time reveal the truth by itself ba.

I dragged myself back from sch just now.. the pain was unbearable.. bedridden will be the only best position i can get..cuz even sitting down, the ache is unbearable.. I miss those massages... Painful...Just managed to stick a small piece of tiger balm paste on my back, but apparently, i think i paste it at the wrong position.. I need some1 to take care of me...

bubbles of sadness.

*11:30 PM .

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Last time i'll ever be heart broken

Well losing someone whom you love is really a very tough matter.. Haha i have seen the most horrible side of a human being. Yea, love such thing can appearance in many form..however, out of so many, only rare cases will we see the true love.. Well painfully i have let a ger whom i truly love, go again.. Such processes is really uncertain n unbearable.. For how long, is this wound gonna stay till i heal myself n ready for a new r/s?

Till date, i can't find yet a woman who can truly loves me for who i am, but only find 2 woman, who has enter a r/s wif me, only to find, they love me, yet the love is not true.. Dun have to breath a word, but the heart is able to feel it.. The 1st r/s end very long ago, hence i dun wish to bring anything further out.. Since the 2nd r/s is completely over, i can say out le.. ntg to hide..

My 2nd r/s was better than the 1st 1..yet oso the worst... 2 extremes...it started off 2 yrs ago from now.. well she had a bf of 7 yrs n i noe her thru audi.. ended up out of many incidents, out of my awareness, i become a third party, who ever felt so lowly, wounded n those painful experiences still hurts me as though its ytd..I really hate those days..

Such a r/s shldn;t have continue..i can only blame myself cuz i shld be strong enough to end it earlier, rather than drag it until i was the 1 who end up being hurt eventually..Yea, now she has left for another guy, while our r/s, ended up quite recently.. She has a record, of seeing me while she has a bf, i shld have expected the same thing that'll happen to me in the end..

Yea its true.. I have been keeping this secret for super long.. carrying this all by myself..I'm tired..i can;t take it anymore.. During the last period of our r/s, she has already been in contact wif this jerwin guy for quite some time, even to the extent of behind my back, which i end up finding out the truth myself..She doesn't even spare a tot for my feelings, considering that she hurt me very much tat time when she was wif her ex..

I was treated very badly in the past, n even now it doesn't turn any better.. yup i knew it..they end up tog eventually.. of cuz, that guy got a car, much more capable than me.. i believe tat if a woman who truly loves me, think she won't hurt me so badly to such an extent.. so much hurt was done in the past, including the times we were tog..I can't c any true love in her eyes.. Such a ger, i can't give her any happiness she wans..

I looked into her facebook not long ago, my heart was indeed shattered... Yea can u imagine, the same thing i'm facing yet again.. The last time was seeing pictures of her n her ex, the way she smile, hugging her ex in the photo.. the way she hug me, the way she kiss me etc, then now, its not even long, i saw her hugging this new guy in the photo, smiling like a normal person, who was dating with this guy for a very long time.

THink in this world, there's many ppl oso like her ba.. can u imagine this? I was blind to love such a woman.. Not to say, from the picture, she must have even went to his hse.. I wan to let it go le la..She is not worth my love..Painful indeed... I can't blog anymore now.. this will be the last time i will be so heartbroken i hope.. just dun look at anymore of her things, i hope i'll 4get her completely..

bubbles of sadness.

*6:05 PM .

Thursday, January 08, 2009

What should i blog about?

Hmm its the festive season.. A new year, a new beginning, a new life... Such a celebrative occasion, yet i seems to have nothing interesting to blog about.. How i spend my last celebration of christmas? or how did i pass my new year eve? Hmm neither am i happy to blog about it at all.. I have been thinking true alot, about what happened in the past, that leads to today, whats gonna happened with whatever decision or actions i'm doing, which will affects my future..

I'm currently gg thru yet another lowest point in my life.. I'm current facing many several paths ahead of me, yet i'm not sure what can i do.. Yet..$ is the the root of all evil.. So much that i hated it, yet i need it.. Wifout $, There's really lots of things which i need to do, yet unable to do at all.. What am i supposed to do? How? I'm feeling extremely frustrated and disheartening lately..

Living on such earth is really suffering and miserable indeed.. love is hurtful, living is hurtful.. Yet, feeling like ending life immediately, but its living hell... Living or dead, its no difference.. Also suffering? I'm not really sure.. doing everything oso not smooth.. dun feel like blogging le.. my head i exploding..
I dun wish to be Yilun anymore.. A new name, Hong Qi Xuan.. I hope a new name, brings a new life to me...I dun wish to be the lowest, sadest, hurtful yilun anymore..

bubbles of sadness.

*9:54 PM .

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Finale of the year 2008, arrives 2009

Well, its time to sit back n think of the things tat happened in this yr 2008. It has really been a very rough yr for me.. Many things ended wif a downs.. and i'm terribly affected badly.. 1st n foremost, was my love path..It has undergo many rough times n perhaps its ending just the way we started it.. Started off wif a 3 ppl, ending up wif 2 for the time being, n now, its back to 3 ppl.. But this time, the person who is out of the cycle, is me..

Anyway its really over le ba. this time rd.. Perhaps they have already progress further. Replaced me n FH has started.. Yup this person is too strong n the present me is simply too weak.. I'm out of this hurtful r/s.I wish to end tat bad nitemare of mine, every nite..a particular nite, i have a bad dream, n witness painful things in the dream.. In the dream, she admited FH. Its completely over.. I dun wish to wake up wif sweat n tears in my eyes..

i'm out of job too.. even at such a bad time.. i'm jobless.. i'm very down now.. my studies were affected.. can i really graduate? Family ties are not gd.. everything seems so bad.. i felt so lost, so helpless.. my future seems so bleak.. wondering how am i able to break free from all this n overcome all the problems lying ahead...Is there any1 who can really be there for me?

This morning, bidding farewell to 2008, welcome 2009..its a bad start.. nope many frds wishes me greetings, but all except a person who doesn;t even bother to send me a reply, a greeting or watsoever.. I could have figured out..He's wif her.. Perhaps on tat fateful nite, FH has took place..Since he got a car, always travelling to her hse, such thing could very well be expected to happen..

besides tat, i even had a bad dream.. THis time is abt me.. How would you think, if some1 tells you that you might not be able to live past this yr? Hmm i really begin to think abt the word spoje to me in my dreams.. Even though few hrs have past since i dreamt it, its still as fresh in my mind.. Yup if i'm not able to live past this yr, How did i die? Peacefull or violently?when will it take place?

There's a nite when i was standing outside the lift at the level of my floor, talking to ben on the phone.. i accidentally dropped the umbrella on to the ground lvl.. is tat a phenomeon? that thud sound was solid.. i reached the ground floor, the tip of my umbrella head cracked n parts of it chipped off.. A human's bone will become like this after the fall, i supposed.. too much tots in my head.. i even had a big bump on my head while alighting from a bus, which sent me into dizzy spells.. i tot i was gonna concussed on the spot..

I have to cease thinking now...

bubbles of sadness.

*2:22 PM .

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