____________['[*Moments Sharing*]']___________

*2:04 AM .

Thursday, May 21, 2009

A thought after reading Xiaxue's blog

Its really better now to have a notebook ard, so each time something arises from my mind, or a ling2 gan3 arises, i dun have to fear i 4get when the time i can post them in. Hence before i'm gonna help my mum to pick rice (chinese tradition festival is here. Rice dumpling, where b4 wrapping a type of dumplings, need to pick the unwanted rice out from a bag of rice.), i shall blog awhile. Actually the process is already done, just that i heard from mum that baby niece got n mixed the picked rice back into the pile.. So end up have to do it over again.

Its really a tedious job, but weekends coming soon, and mum has the only time to do it as she dun have to look after the babies during weekends. Making rice dumplings is not an easy job, esp when making a real tasty one, which outside dumplings cannot be compared. THere's lots of things to prepare and wrapping 1 was tough. I have watched my mum do this every yr, though i watch but help the least, except for picking the rice n small tasks..

As far as i'm concerned, my mum makes the most delicious dumplings i have ever ate so far, and i think time has come, i have to stop my diet as its a pity if i miss eating her dumplings. How many more yrs can she make? Some more wrapping dumplings is not easy n require some strength as well. Well in the past, when young, maybe dun think abt such things, but probably after yrs of growing up, and learning that parents can nv stay and walk wif u thru out the rest of the life, so will feel abit emotional after this.

Well hence, i hope to learn how to do it from her, making such tasty dumplings in future n not losing her personal receipe. Ok anyway, back to the main topic, as mum's out to buy lunch, baby nephew seems to wake up from his nap. I have not much time left to blog. Well by chance, i came across xiaxue's blog, so just went into screen thru all those long post n pictures.

Of cuz she's definitely not my type of ger, but humans are diff. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, so what may seems displaced for me, other ppl might think the other way. Ok there's a topic a the very bottom of the page, where its about cheating behind partner's back. What kind of actions is really consider cheating? It seems too broad a range to set.

Here's the sentence stated in the blog, but not in exact words,"The actions of a partner which upsets or affects the other's mood, upon finding out is consider cheating. eg would be, doing anything behind a partner's back, if the partner found out, he's hurt or upset n experience mood change,this is cheating. So if need the trouble to hide something, best is dun do it." Yea usually these are somethings which are the root cuz of a broken r/s. Ok times out for babysitting job.

bubbles of sadness.

*11:29 AM .

151th Day Without Serene

Wow time passes by so quickly. Still got few more days and the exams coming soon. Really need some time to concentrate n my exams n not be affected by so many unecessary things. It has always been an interrupted slp by my baby nephew n niece. Sometimes deep in the nite a few times, n always earlier in the morning. Proper rest is really so impt. That its really hard to stay focus thru out the rest of the day.

As usual, on the days my mum brings my niece to sch, and i'm not gg out in the morning to work, i will have to force myself up when my baby nephew wakes up from his slp, in fact all the time. Those complains is 1 thing, but of cuz they r still so cute in my eyes!At the very least, they brighten up my days when they r behaving.My family says baby nephew looks just like me when i was a baby too.

Cuz my big sister looks like me n my father. The rest of the family looks like my mum.So babysitting has become a small task for me at hm, since i'm not working full time n always at hm in the day. anyway babies like my nephew, is easier to look after, what i meant is, during the daytime haha. everything always has gd n bad. So its the same for babies. There are times he's behaving well, times he's not.

Anyway its worth the exp. My sisters are fortunate as my mum is still around to take care of the baby n guide them what she noes on handling the baby. Hence at such time, its better to learn some from her, b4 i dun get a chance to learnt from her in future.. Well life is really unpredictable, hence some things are worth learning b4 there's no chance to learn in future. Its always to be prepare at the very least.

Well i told mum abt the incident last nite, as usual, she guess the 4D numbers.. Of cuz in rtn, i got reprimanded for the carelessness. She said that in the afternoon while fetching niece from sch, she warned niece to be careful wif the key. Ended up, its me who dropped it. So she guess drop is 6. my blk 325. So decided to buy 6325. Y i wanna post this down was, i bought it as suggested, n last nite (cuz already reached 0043am now) the 1st prize came out 6425. What a waste..

Hmm leg seems to get bad again after i have stopped gg to marsiling for treatment. Its really like conning money lo. Went there for not longer than half an hr, the guy was like talking abt other things wif other ppl, n not answering my concerns abt my injuries.. The way he rub, i looked at it was like, even i also can do.. (i went there for several times, other than the 1st few times, wat he does was same n simple).

Furthermore, he's always rubbing on the same spot, where i told him other areas are painful as well.. That's the reason y i stop gg there for appt n rub by myself at times only (it got worsen) as i dun have so much money to waste on such treatment. Its a though he's purposely not gg to fully treat my leg, but doing it slowly n slowly, making me go so many times.. Times are bad.. but tat's not the way to do business ba..

But life is always so contradictory, the 1st time i went, its really seems a miracle already. i rmb i couldn't even stand as the foot has dislocated its position, n kit have to come my hse downstair to support me there. Wif two big pull n push, tog wif some rubbing at the start, i'm able to stand but have to walk wif a crutch.THere's also foot reflexology services there like wan yang. No wonder the place have the equipment like a massage shop.

I only noe it on 1 of the trip for treatment, when i saw an angmoh, soaking leg wif me there. i tot he had an injury like me, but ended up, he told me he signed up a package for foot massage. Never expect he also have the sinus prob like me, that's y he signed up this package. He's teaching in a very young children sch in singapore. Well another phenomena i found out, ppl tend to like the opposite when they are from diff back ground.

He prefers our weather conditions here, while i would love to exp their 4 seasons. The beautiful spring, hate summer, the fall of the autumn, and the snow in the winter. He says its too cold to live there for so days, not to say mths..that's y his family came over to sg to live n go back for holidays,during summer vacation.Yup ppl will nv noe how it feels unless u experience the actual feelings in yourself. Hence the same things goes for life. Ppl who nv experienced the conditions n feelings i felt, will nv understand what are the things i have gone thru. Its really tough.

In this world, there's so many types of masks ard..I wish i have the ability to see thru all these masks..

4get the most impt thing. I have been waiting for MBS to contact me to let me noe when is the interiew..Its been several days.. Yet i still have not receive any signs from them.. THis afternoon when i headed out to study, i received an unknown number..I excitedly picked up the phone, ended up, its a wrong number.. Feels so shitty lo. of all times. This is just simliarly, the kind of feelings when u look forward to answer the call from ur loved ones.

And each time there's a ring on your phone, u picked up, but disappointed its the wrong person. Then as u waited n waited, disappointment comes in n getting more n more anxious.. Until the very last moment, its utter disappointment, anxious n all sorts of feelings came rushing in. Of cuz, not to forget the original feeling that's still inside. Though very happy, but its filled wif so many other feelings. Hence, the receiver will hear a diff kind of tone, which is often not the intended tone at the beginning, hence couples out there, do be thoughtful towards your loved ones, esp true love out there, u nv noe ur loved ones will be waiting for ur news all day n nite. Dun let them always wait.

Prolong such kind of wait is gonna strain things up.It doesn't hurt to be a little more thoughtful. Well as i speak, things flows into my mind, n probably that's y, ppl thinks i'm always badmouthing ppl, but hey man, i'm speaking from my experience though. So i tend to speak n speak, after pouring things out i felt better, n at the same time, i can be careful in my future r/s, not to find a ger like this.

Well trust is really so impt in a r/s, once really broken its really destroy all the balance in the r/s.. Hence acts of protecting the fragile trust btw each other is very impt, to cherish a fragile r/s. (r/s are like a fragile white paper, which needs the 2 ppl in the r/s to support the balance of the white paper.Contents like trust n other things are the key factor from both sides to maintain the white paper clean. Either side shld not be tarnished black by other external factors.When both party put effort in the r/s, even a fragile piece of white paper, will be so strong and not easily prone to stain n torn)

Well of cuz, though trust are broken, its still able to salvage, but the process is hard. Ppl wif patience, perserverance and determination will be able to do tat.. Time will slowly heal the wounds away. of cuz the content of true love has to be there. otherwise, there's nothing left to talk abt in the 1st place. Jabbling on, this has so many things to talk abt, but i'm only emphasising on a part of the factor in a r/s, which is trust.

Well, its a pity my previous r/s starts in a very distorted manner. Hence ppl who understands me well, understand from where i come from, will be able to understand the reasons for i'm behaving this manner, according to the topic on receiving news from ur loved 1. I'm into a state of paranoid, a totally diff person, and i have the experienced of waiting for very long for news.

Well initially tried hard to think that its due to busy at work,but as time goes by, getting more paranoid, n the earlier excitness is mixed wif anxious n many other -ve feelings. Well this partly is due to the -ve past during the times where i noe that shes smsing wif the other, while smsing wif me. Well moving on from the very past to the recent past, Its the same incident again. Nothing's changed, i'm still waiting, and ended up i found out the smsing behind my back, the trust is broken again.

Well ppl who dun understand my point of view, will definitely disagree etc, etc.So be it, as i dun need their understand. What i'm just saying is trust is 1 of the most impt thing in a r/s. not breaking the trust is 1 of the ways to cherish a r/s. Of cuz there's many other ways.Hence its my fault in the r/s, that i'm not able to perform at my peak, to fulfill her expectations, as i believed in passing the ball of happiness around, sharing the love n warmth tog is impt to keep a r/s gg n not sinking deeper. R/s is 2 sided, i can't be the 1 to always pass the happy ball to her, n received it, n not circulate the happy ball back to me, to form a cycle, for more happy balls to circulate in the r/s.still expect to receive happy ball again? Ok squeeze another 1 from the heart n give.

THis prolong of happy ball given,didn't pass back, will have no more input ingredients to produce anymore happy balls. what's left is the sad ball, so the sad balls become circulated ard inevitably, which eventually.the ger receives the 1st sad ball,not happy, no happy ball comes back, yet the sad ball is passed back immediately(of cuz at times got happy ball la rtn la, but its not enough to circulate back as not to 4get, those hurts n pains from the past are referred to as many sad balls passed to me. At that time, those happy ball i pass to her, dunno go where le. THink wif her n the 1st bread, n their happy ball goes, becomes sad ball in rtn. I received great deal of sad ball, despite lots of happy ball at tat time) n in time crumbles the whole r/s. Happy ball n sad ball is just an illustration for a theory ba.

Ppl who noes me well, sure will have heard this from me b4. I speak the same anyway. Not as if i need to wear a mask n fabricate things.. Anyway its time to retire again.

bubbles of sadness.

*12:24 AM .

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

150th Day Without Serene

Hmm this morning at 1am, as i returned home, i accidentally dropped the bunch of key under the lift. It was like, zzz.. Anyway i called the hotline given, and waited 4 2 ppl to specially stop the lift for me and retrieve the key. end up wrapped up everything, 2am then i retire for bed. Well the bunch of key i'm holding, contains the word 'Jing', a name which i never expect to have.

Yet this name should have already be gone, during the 1st time when she left to italy. Yup if what's i'm regretting now, it will be hardened my heart that time, n never let her come into my world again, hurting me n leaving me so many times for the 1st bread, and comes to this stage, where i'm the only 1 which is at fault. Leave le jiu suan le, now can't even have the basic peace.I should have already expected such ending, where i'll play the role of the bad person in the r/s, which makes her have the right tat she leave me for another guy, is my bad, not hers.

Ah ha, but i have no fear, for i'm not afraid for what others said, like ben told me. Ppl wan to say, just let them say, for only the true ppl, will understand u well, that those bad remarks, were not enough to smear my name black. I read an even funniest part. She's so find me so pitiful, writing xxx days without her. Oh well, the format i wan to write, is my business. Just like what i wrote in my own tag box, moving on is a must, for its not worth to stay for her anymore.

But true hard feelings have been placed in the r/s. So easy to move on meh? I'm counting the days. Yes i'm counting. Counting till the day when i managed to put it down. This has always been the case ma. Too bad i'm not such kind of person as being the 1 who leave the r/s behind wif another ger, leaving the person behind to wrap up everything herself. And even let my frds cast such a remarks like this.

In their tag box, she even speak abt her past, which i feel it for her. But sympathy is 1 thing, but its a pity that how can r/s be compared like this? Is it always the case when such thing happen, the reason behind is the same? Does everything starts the same? How does her r/s wif that guy who left her in the end start? Is it like my r/s wif her? Started off so badly where i suffered a great deal.

And so because her own r/s, the guy left him for another ger, means she's not gd enough, shows that i'm the same? The story in the r/s is completely different and the answer is always the case? I dun have to explain my self as seems that they dun even noe the situation n keeps thinking that they are right in their assumptions. I'm in a situation when i'm not on equal level as her in the r/s.

when we formally started, i'm at a very -ve level. I have to overcome all this -ve things, overcome my past wounds, overcome my insecurity, overcome my broken trust and faith in her. Well her current guy got experience such things like me or not? While he's wif her, did he experience the pains of knowing that she tell another person that she love him and at the same time tells him the same word that she love him?I experienced tat. How much internal struggle i have to face when each time she said she love me? When at the same time, i knew that she's saying i love you to another person.this was just a very small eg.

My internal struggle was to believe her words, which ended up causing deep wounds. What has she done to me for the guy, until she finally be wif me? So which means that after hurting me so much, she give up her bread is being very gd to me? How was the giving up comes abt? she tried to move on wif him, but cuz the tension as there, can't work things out, that's y she give him up to be wif me.

So i'm just a 2nd option as always. I dun wish to say further. Want to blame me, by all means. What done cannot be undone. THis ppl doesn't have the rite to judge me wrong. The party herself, since she dun feel anything wrong, then we already placed a full stop. She left wif that guy, which i already predicted. Then hence i'm here to wrapped the remanants of the r/s behind. wan to poke into other affairs, poke into their r/s, dun have to ratter so much to 1 person here.

bubbles of sadness.

*11:05 AM .

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

My Thoughts on a comment I read.

Well did I go around broadcasting I’m Mr Nice? Sounds funny. Anyway nobody judge himself or herself. Besides the point, I didn’t say anything that I’m so nice, like I treat her how good and how good etc. Like I said, good things done for a person, dun have to put in the mouth and keep saying and saying.

Well that’s what I am trying to infer too. Dunno the full picture, still dare to write abt this past r/s wif her. She can say herself to be unlucky, I am the same ma. In her shoes, she’s unlucky, then in my shoes I’m unlucky lo. Met a bad 1. Funniest? Well from para 1, both are equally funny joke ba. I didn’t say I’m gd, she didn’t say she’s gd. Neither did I say she’s bad ah. The word bad got come out meh?

Well nobody is perfect, and I didn’t claim that I’m Mr nice. Haha I bet even a Mr nice will make mistakes as well. In relationships wif ppl, not only Bf and gf, ppl do make mistakes. I’m not a saint, I make mistakes when I’m wif her too. But I admit it and sincerely apologise for it. I also mentioned to her, I’m not who I am anymore wif her, after so much incidents had happened. I wanted to be the real me again. But its not a 1 sided effort to do it. I need her support as well, stop me from being so paranoid n help me moved away from the past.

How am I suppose to gain the trust again, when times after times, she broke it? The worst thing was, This person even got the cheek to comment about my 1st r/s. no doubt my 2 failure r/s, it doesn’t solely blame that the failure r/s lies in me alone that results in the break up. Then in that case, y dun u say urself that u r the 1 who’s at fault as well in ur past failure r/s? In a r/s, there’s 2 ppl. Failure r/s, doesn’t lies on a party alone. It could be same, more to the other side or vice versa.

She has admitted her mistake? To my knowledge, she has never admit that she has done anything wrong towards me. Here’s something to ponder upon. If Girl A were to did lots of terrible things that hurt Guy A in the past, being together now but the hurt was not ordinary that Guy A is not in a rite state of condition. (wounds n haunts of the past). If Girl A were to really admit her mistakes, she will really make up for wat she failed to gif Guy A in the past? Or Girl A just repeats the same kind of hurt n adds on to the wound?

I dun wish to say anything bad abt what happened in the past when she’s still wif her bread. But I was really hurt a great deal. This is a fact. All I wanted was,( since she said until so wei da that she gave up her bread for me),is nothing much. Just fill up the hole n wounds wif the things she failed to gimme in the past. Gain back my trust, a wholehearted love, instead of a seemed lying love towards me, etc.. Those make up of the past is enough.. But not those repeated things dealing wif guys which adds on to it..

As for the break up thing, dunno the full pic, dun have to say rubbish. On the last day, 26th dec 2008. We met up to exchg present. My feelings for her is you4 Ai4 you4 Hen4. Love her is true, but hate her y is she like this, y throughout our days tog, she’s always treating me like tis? (that’s y a person who’s having such kind of love n hate feeling, will say miss her so much, yet will complain here and there. I just need a room to pour things out, which aids me to move on slowly, is that wrong? And is this your business in the 1st place?)

I formally declared my break up wif her, when I found out that she accepted that guy on some dates ard start of 2009. That’s b4 I asked her for help. You dun even noe what happened on 26th Dec, so dun just simply said anything abt breaking up. I formally break up wif her when I noe abt this. Ppl who dunno such things, I’m not surprised that she’ll write such things as I gained something.

What do I gain? Yeah let me tell u what I really gain. A terribly broken heart, and setbacks, which I dunno when I can fully recover. I hate such feelings n it has been so ongoing. This r/s was so hard to move on. It is so hard for her when she has so many ppl to love her at the same time? What I was referring is the past when she has that bread n me. Of cuz its also terrible for her, but at the very least, she has concern. So who’s worse off? Though the best is 1 person is to 1 person, not 1 person is to 2 or more etc…

What else I gain? A changed man, who couldn’t focus well on his things. Performed badly at work, in school. Failed a yr due to not attending classes, wasted a yr of time n huge sum of Money. (am I blaming her? Oh this I can only blame myself. Who ask me to slap myself hard, entering such r/s? Got me into so many emotions upset? That I lost my true self? I really fall completely in love wif her. But I dun regret that…but only regret myself for entering such r/s helplessly. As for how we end up tog, stop claiming that I deliberately enter the r/s n spoil everything, tat’s y I deserved those treatment from her in the past. I’m a human being, I didn’t speak ill of her 1st bread, I did not do anything like backstabbing etc. He wroted a letter saying how bad I was,how gd he was, which hurt me a great deal. If I purposely enter the r/s as a 3rd party, I won’t blame her for treating me this way, but I dun. I dun deserve such a treatment from her, I’m a human being, not a toy.)

Hence quit thinking that I gained anything from it. No amt of money can make up for the emotional damage made. Think so lowly of me? I’m poor now, but that doesn’t me I’m supposed to be looked down upon n listen to ur kind of comments. I’m poor now, doesn’t mean its 4ever. Besides, how many times did such kind of help occur? During times when we were tog, I’m really broke wif studys expenses to save up.

She wan to go here n eat, do this do tat, buying presents for her etc, going out tog etc. the me dun have such luxury to eat restaurant most of the time. Most of the time, she wan to go, she offered to pay for me 1st. I rtn every amt that I owed her. Even how tight I have wif my resources, I struggle on. For the genting trip, She paid for me 1st, everything I rtn her as usual. Each time I rtn her, the amt was not so low.

This final straw, b4 our breaking up, I was unlucky, I had a conflict wif my new boss, and she actually used authoritive methods on me, depriving me of my AWS which I was abt to get very soon. This sum of money was planned to cover for the upcoming exam fee, which is this period. Yeah I’m out of job. These few mths was terrible. As exams nearing n I couldn’t really find a full time job, until my exams over. Times are bad, not sure when I’m able to find 1.

I have submitted the sch fee, everything will be wasted if I’m not able to submit the exam fee. To this point, did I run? I’m still here writing blog. My handphone number is still contactable. I didn’t do anything at all when I found out abt this new r/s in start of 2009. She del everything away. While I just did ntg. What’s left is only this last strand of practical contact, or a favour which I owed her. I did not 4get abt It, when time comes it’ll be completely detached from this last srand. But it’s a fact that she did me wrong.

Now since she’s so happy now, jiu gd lo.Then u guys stop bothering abt me.I dun wish to be affected like now, during such impt period. I dun wish further $ to be wasted. As well as precious time. No more will I wan this terrible heart aching feeling again. This is just a space for me to breath some air. Appreciate if u ppl could stop disturbing the peace I’m trying to build up.

bubbles of sadness.

*2:52 PM .

149th Day Without Serene

Adding on something from the previous post, after reading a person's comment. Well yeah, giving up a bread for love, seems tat she's very generous, that such lowly ppl like me, need such kind of sympathy. That's the reason y i shld not have the rite in any say, despite things were wrong? Well the bread she is wif now, can seems so tasty.

Well its gd that they started off on equal footings, unlike me, having to struggle at such imbalanced condition. Of cuz i'm well too off to be compared wif such a holy bread like him, isn't it. Wif such an bad incident that leaves a very big wound in me, i'm just seen as someone, who hurt a very generous person. Its expected of someone who couldn't see the real picture, would cast such a remarkable comments.=) Yeah, then i'm no better off, isn't that great? Haha. In the past, i would be really pissed off when i suffered such injustice, yet nobody noes. I have reached an enlightenment towards such comments. Its not the 1st time anyway i heard such comments from ppl ard her.

I'm ok with it, as its expected of ppl who couldn't sees from my point of view n share the same feelings as i have. Its just a pity, nothing else.

bubbles of sadness.

*12:25 AM .

Monday, May 18, 2009

148th Day Without Serene

1st of all, my 1st paper has finished. Its really tough though. Hopefully i can pass this time. My other paper is coming on the 26th May. Hmm what other news should i update? Well received an sms i have waited for a very long time. I submitted the application mths ago at suntec career fair..Finally,it came with an sms that they'll be contacting shortly for the interview.. Dunno shld be happy or not.

I dunno have to wait how long, b4 they finally call me up. Some more my hp is having lots of probs that i'm afraid that i will miss any impt calls. Besides, its just an interview. Whether i really get in or not, its not cfm yet. Furthermore, wat if i managed to succeed, yet the job wasn't really happy, for eg, there's gg to be a training period, which will last for sometime. What if i dun get paid during training?Just hope everything goes smoothly, unlike somebody, who calls herself to be a frd of mine, yet cursing me that more bad things will happen.

I'm being kind enough not to curse her, despite of her treatment towards me, and there it goes, coming such remarks from her frds. As for my comments about a blog which i read, i only have a few things to say. I dun care abt what others speak abt me, b4 they speak, thing abt their ownself 1st. Ppl from outside the pic, only hearing her side of the story, keep listening to it and start saying bad remarks abt me, for i'm already used to it. THis period of time wif her tog, i noe what she's like.

Only rmbs the things she has done gd for others, but will not say or admit their own wrongdoings. Yes all the things she had did for me was there, i nv 4get. Stop saying that i kip saying bad abt her. Besides, if a person has not done anything wrong, dun have to fear what ppl said. Those who only hear 1 side of the story, which is so incomplete, just say whatever u like. when a person dislike some1, the tendency of prejudice is there. On top of listening to the only gd things she has done for me, and the bad things i hav did to her, no doubt there's gonna be siding towards on side.

I bet she doesn't even said all the bad things she has did to hurt me, cuz she nv admits it at all, yet thinking that i hurt her pride. Neither did she even really noes abt my sacrifices. Only thinks that she's the only 1 sacrificing. Why not u guys just said, i brought myself all this probs as being the 3rd party, who destroys ppl's bread in the 1st place? In tat case, y not say, got bread already, dun come out fish for other things?

THis is my blog, there are many things which i didn't even blog them down. Yes, no doubt i complain so much abt her, but what's love? Person like u thinks u noe it very well? Y do urself have an internal struggle and still thinks abt a married guy whom u like, even though u have a bread already? What's a guy mean to u? If u really love a guy, u dun treat him this way.

B4 u said anything, have to really tot of what u will do, if u were in my shoes? I asked her tat qn b4 several times. If she's me, she would have already given me up n left me long ago. What abt u? Yeah so i'm a fool, instead of leaving for gd, despite her coming to patch so many times, instead of me initiating the patch,i let myself drag on n knowing that this is the ending, is not enough, yet i still have to carry the black name of so many superficial bad things which i have done, but yet nobody noes n understand the real situation, yet just verbally say such remarks.

Dun keep saying abt u guys telling her so many times..My really close frds does that too. The 1st time she told a very big lie, hurting me a great deal, is the last day when she fly off to met her bread overseas. I organised a chalet, thinking that is tat bread coming back, ended up is she went there to find him. How much shock n hurt i suffered? I couldn't slp tat nite, i cried badly at nite, n my close frd caught me crying secretly on the 1st floor..

THere's a diff btw voluntary 3rd party n involuntary kind. u think i purposely wan to break them up? The feelings was developed out of chemistry, n at times i really wondered she's toying my feelings or not. Treating me as a substitute or just a company when her bread is away. So now tat the bread has come back, i'm just shaken over just like that. I things which i suffered was really so great that i was so paranoid.

U think i like to be this way? There's so many qns of if u were me, who have been through this, how will u react if u were me? I'm really so insecure wif all these incidents. Let alone the bread that she's wif now. When she was wif me, i caught her having contacts wif this bread, behind my back as well. Once bitten twice shy. I warned her abt this guy. I already noe that this guy is doing something.

I tell her tat if u are really serious abt this r/s, she has to do something abt it, instead of letting this happen. All she said was ppl wan to contact me, wat can i do? i cannot stop. If i can do it for her, y couldn't she? y didn't i have such probs, yet she always have it. There 1 more guy, her close frd, SW. From my guy's instinct, i already noe that he's chasing after her. Our r/s was still not stable after such bad ordeal of breaking n patching cuz of the 1st bread.

Our formal status wasn't even fixed yet. I already warn her abt this close frd, n yet she still said that there's nothing wrong. Only until the end, then only she agrees wif me tat SW likes her n is chasing after her. i'm doing my part as a bf, while carrying such shadows of the past, the burden is so much, yet i'm trying my best for this r/s.

its not like we were of equal footing where its neutral to neutral. What kind of things have i forgave her? I couldn't said it here as its really very private btw the 2 of us. But for the way i describe, its really very serious that most couples if having such things, most likely will not be tog again. Even if tog, there'll be some phobia, which obviously will this surface. Esp when after tat phobia, she's still not doing anything abt it, where it comes SW, follow by this new bread.

And all she said was, where was i when she needed me? Then where was her everytime when i needed her badly? Overseas wif his 1st bread, leaving me finding out that she told me the biggest lie on the very last day tog.. I'm always leaving in the past. Yeah rite..Look at ur own blog.Dun nid u to say, i also noe. I told her many times. I'm not a superhero, i'm a human wif feelings. I need time to gain faith in her again. r/s is 2 person, not only 1 sided. Chinese sayings, the person who tie the knots, noes how to untie it. I can't untie it myself wif her always doing the same kind of thing. Its a knot of the 1st bread on our r/s. She didn't untie it, but just kips doing the same kind of knot several times, until the 2nd bread.

Old knots weren't untie, new same kind of knot keeps coming in. I already knew such thing will happen. Yea of cuz got bread is gd, better than be wif a pauper like me.Now ppl dun sees small little effort, like bringing so many things, eg an umbrella out, during a date. I could be like other guys, bringing nothing, except wallet n handphone. Yet instead, i bring so many things out, umbrella, jacket, etc..Ppl like u, will just ask me like tat time, y u bring so many things 4? Without thinking the reason behind it. Of cuz, if i have $, raining just buy 1, cold just buy a jacket lo. Everybody has there own views, yet there's not rite or wrong. There'll be 1 who seeks for other top priorities other than bread. You guys want to side, just side ba. I'm already used to listen to these bad remarks from her frds ard her.

Gd things done for a person, wasn't meant to say it out, but shld be kept in the heart of the receiver. its a vice-versa way. She wan to let u all noe how gd she has treated me, and keeps telling u all how bad i have mistreated her, then by all means. For there's always a reason behind, on how n why this incident or situation took place. If i'm truly wrong, i really sincerely apologized to her at that point of time, n makes it a point, not to do it again. yet she keeps repeatedly doing the same kind of things, resemble the past.

The gd things she done for me, i keep them all well in my heart and nv 4get.. However, i can nv 4get those terrible things that she has did to me either..If its u, will u be able to 4give ur bread? Most likely from your view, u will not 4give ba. But it all depends.. Then what abt the other way rd? What if ur bread finds out that u did such a thing, will he be able to 4give u? In ur view, most likely u think that he'll be able to 4give. Everything is just assumption, but i did experienced it b4, n really the feeling was so unbearable n painful.. Anyway, u might not understand wat i said, cuz what she has did, is a secret which i promised myself not to say it out...

Anyway its pointless to say anything.. I'm contented wif what i have now. I dun have any regrets.. At the very least, i have captured the most beautiful sight of her, in my very own eyes. A pic which i loved most, on top of other favourites..

This picture was taken at Suntec fountain. Even if i accidentally lost the other pics, this is the pic i would love to keep the most..

Anyway, dun have to specially create n account just to comment me. Save all ur troubles. This is my blog, i'm free to say my heart out. My heart is too much to bear, i just need a room to let things out. U want to say what, just say.I treat it wif a smile =) Cuz ppl dun really noe the real me, just say whatever they 1. For i noe there'll be close 1s who'll understand the real me.

bubbles of sadness.

*10:47 PM .

Thursday, May 07, 2009

137th Day Without Serene– Movie “17th Again”

Yesterday, I went to work, but my boss is sick. Hence I complete whatever I could do, before leaving the office. Duck’s girlfriend asked me to join them for K Box session, so we planned here and there. As usual things keep changing, because Duck says ok in a moment, not ok in the other. So let them solve the thing themselves and have their own discussion.

So due to some complications here and there, the k box session was cancelled. Hence I called William out for a movie as we have agreed to catch this together. It’s been a while since I went to the cinema to catch a movie. The feeling was great as it’s still the best, sitting in the cinema, catching the movie on a big screen. However, it’s equally costly and I’m not capable at this moment in life.

I missed the popcorn of Cathay and managed to persuade William to share a combo meal with me. As usual, I like to be in the cinema early, so that I don’t have to rush and missed the starting of the movie. The movie wasn’t bad like Duck said; it’s funny, touching and leaves behind rooms for thoughts. I’m not going to narrate the storyline, to spoil those who haven’t watched the movie yet.

Well 17th again. Few years down the road, would anybody be thinking of the decisions made when you were young? I bet everybody would be doing so, including me. In life, there’s many decision to make. Some small ones, like decide to catch what movie, some big decisions, which may affect your life in future like, is this person going to be the right one to spend with through out your life? What will you become, had you not choose this person and what will actually happen?

There’s no turning back in life. Once you past the mark, you can never turn your life back and choose another path again. That’s why, its very important to think very carefully, weighing the possibility of the outcomes, before making a decision, especially those big decision which is going to change your life. The best thing in life is, living through it with no regrets, though it’s hard to achieve, its worthwhile trying.

I’m going spill out some story a little, my apologies for that. In the movie, he was able to return to his age of 17, where he made a very important decision, which affects his life a lot. He was given a chance to make the decision again. Sometimes in life, you might have loathed that you have made a wrong decision and resent it a lot, regretted it very much. However, we do not have the capability to walk through the decision, like the movie.

In the movie, he regretted his decision and have been resenting it and ranting it to the people close to him, which badly affected them. This ended up with a bad ending and he just didn’t realize it. Until he was given a chance to go through the decision again, he remembers what is actually the most important in his life. He actually made the same decision just like the past. He chose love again, over his basketball, a bright future.

It was a happy and touching ending. I love this movie. After movie as usual, we try to leave AMK hub immediately, so as not to experience the same scenario again. It was around 7pm I suppose. A danger timing, where she might be at AMK hub. However, transportation mode has changed, can go anywhere this time, so chances of meeting her by chance, and has lowered a lot.

bubbles of sadness.

*1:47 PM .

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

136th Day Without Serene

It’s been a while since I update my blog. Basically, nothing much to update about these days for a crippled like me. Actually yesterday I was supposed to work, but because my leg’s condition got worst, I went to see a doctor again on Monday. Since I rest at home (not entirely resting because I have to take care of the baby nephew) I planned to blog, but I don’t know why the webpage doesn’t managed to load successfully after several attempts.

Why am I able to blog now, even though I’m at work? Because I dragged myself to work, only to find that my incomplete task (a small bit) was completed by my boss yesterday, during my absence from work. Furthermore, he’s not at his desk when I reached. So since I got nothing to do, I might as well blog so as to act busy, as though I’m working. Sound foolish though, but its fine with me.

Hmm what shall I post? Last update was Saturday, so on Sunday, basically did nothing much, but just keeps watching movie online, with the new program. Then in the afternoon, went out to Mac to study. Didn’t really study much though and in the evening, Nelson and William came to play cards. So just play a while and they left, before I carry on with the studies.

Monday, like what I said, Morning looked after baby nephew, watch movie, go see a doctor and went to Mac. I learnt a few magic tricks from Kia and I’m fascinated by them. After further persuading, Kia finally taught Jim and me the tricks. I felt foolish after knowing how the tricks were done. Some were really simple, while some were simple, but difficult to master.

Yesterday, I mentioned earlier on that I did not attend work as my leg injuries got worst. After watching movie at home, I went out to have dinner with Kia. Street Fighter 4 is finally repaired, so went to play awhile with those arcade people. Afterwards, company Duck to Mos Burger to eat and chat before he sent me home. Of course, he did it unwillingly as usual. But since he is going to my block nearby to buy some food back to eat, he companied me home.

Well some other things to post, I had a dream last night. A terrible dream and it’s the first time I dreamt of the incident. Though in the dream, I dreamt of Serene again. In the dream, I managed to see her again, her smile, her face, which I longed to see, to feel.. However in real life, no matter how much I yearned to, I would rather not see her again. The last time I saw her, was at AMK Hub with that guy, which broke our relationship, at the AXS machine.

So what happened in the dream? Well I was walking with her, like the past. Talking and smiling as we walk, suddenly we saw a short, but very muscular guy walking towards us. He looked very fierce and walked pass, between us, knocked me and caused us to walk apart. After which, we were looking at him cautiously as he looked like a threat to us. Suddenly, he walked very fast towards me with increasing speed.
As he does so, a knife came fleshing out and he wanted to stab me. My leg in the dream was also injured with bandaged on like now. I was so scared and I tried to use my leg to kick him away to stop his knife. But I think I kicked him, but the knife went straight to my stomach. It seemed so real that it causes me to wake up, with my heart thumping so hard.

Ended up its raining heavily and it’s I think its 6am plus. My mind went into thinking again. I recalled what she told me in the past, that the guy (7 years de) wanted to ask someone to kill me. Life is destined, if I were to die in this way, its fate. (Though I hope to die peacefully in the future) Anyway that’s all about the nightmare.

Lastly, I got nothing to do in the office; I went to her friend’s blog as usual, to read. Well they came back from Hong Kong. Well perhaps that guy also went with her in the trip. Perhaps it’s not the first time and I won’t be surprised. Thinking about this, I recalled our only trip together, to Genting. Its memorable indeed, but her overseas memories with me will also be covered, by new memories with that guy.

Another incident which reminds me clearly, is the day where she flies over to find someone, which is the past now. All the things which happened there, everything which happened on our trip, and everything which happened in overseas trip with that guy, I have experienced equal feelings. And each of them was equally strong and painful. No matter how hurt I am, I have to be strong and stand up. What are left are just memories of the past to recall, photos of her and her belongings. Though she has cast everything aside and moved on with that guy, these memories have become part of my life inevitably. I’ll keep them safe with me.

bubbles of sadness.

*10:57 AM .

Saturday, May 02, 2009

132th Day without Serene

Ytd was Labour Day, Wish everybody a happy Public Holiday..THough i didn't enjoy myself in any single way..I spent my time in the morning using com, watching alien 4..Supposed to go out in the afternoon, ended up, appt kip changing until it was cancelled.. I was really furious abt it.. Its the the 1st time actually.. It has been occuring from i think tue, all the stretch until ytd..

Supposed to mit, end up kip saying not cfm, then say lots of things which ends up it was cancelled..On thurs nite, it was also the same. Wil told me, cfm again ltr, ended up, he told me that the mtg was cancelled.. Say play on Fri instead as it was a holiday.. I told myself, ok, i bear wif it.. So i let it roll over to Fri..Hence ytd came n once again, the not cfm thing comes again..

Eventually, until almost the late afternoon, news came again, say not mtg..THis is the last straw. I'm injured as well, the news is, go to a hse to play, so telling me to travel all the way to the hse to play?Of cuz i rejected.. Go sp, at least still got a chair n table to sit, i can rest my leg comfortably..Go his hse, sit on the floor in the room?

So since i'm not gg, then the whole thing was cancelled lo.. In life, giving in n taking in to one another is impt. Its not only 1 person living in this entire world, or ownself acting like a emperor.. Everybody have to accomodate only 1 person..i'm grateful for kit n jason bear coming over to my hse while i'm injured to pay me a visit, to try n entertain me, though my hse really got ntg to do.. I appreciate wil for sending me hm n helping me carry my stuffs when i'm outside.. I appreciate duck too, though he's not very willing, he had send me hm for the past few nights, including ytd, though he was tired..

Anyway, i was just trying to said, if dun wan to play, just say it right from the start. Dun treat ppl like a toy, behaving like an emperor, letting them wait for news over n over again, to cfm.. The person who kips contacting asking for confirmation, also finds it very irritating, like kip disturbing. Just 1 ans, not free is enough. Dun kip dragging n dragging n end up say no.. Everybody have their own time, be fair to every1, dun waste other ppl's time just to wait to hear ur confirmation.. if really got impt things on, its still understandable. but thing kip dragging on for days, its too ridiculous..

And yes! I admit that i'm very angry this time. Furthermore i'm feeling very down lately..Leg is badly injured, now comes my throat as well..Seems like weather nowadays , really so bad.. i'm having sore throat n infection soon.. Furthermore, to c doc, means wasting more $.. Which i couldn't even earn enough to cover my expenses..Anyway, learnt some wisdom during my visit at chinese physican clinic..

THe poster there say, every 1 min u r angry, u wasted 60 secs of ur life, which cannot be recovered. Time waits for no man, why not cherish this time, to have more happy times..THough its not the exact words, its roughly this meaning la.. anyway, i just hopes all my worries n problems will all be resolved...I'm worried of the swine disease over the world..Spreading to singapore soon? Wif my poor immune system, i'm very afraid i can't pull thru.. I'm beginning to feel like i have contracted the disease..What r the symptoms? Scared!!!

bubbles of sadness.

*10:16 AM .

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